Nothing has taught me more about the passage of time than my mom’s journey with Alzheimer’s.
Over the past ten years, I have been amazed by time’s ability to both stand still and fly by at the exact same time. I always thought about that saying, “The days are long, but the years are short.” There’s so much truth in those words when you’re caring for someone with Alzheimer’s.
It’s so hard to believe my mom died eight months ago today. It feels like it was a long time ago, but also like it was just yesterday.
Contrary to what many people may think, the longer it’s been since she passed, the more surreal it feels, not less. You would think I would be used to it by now, but it still doesn’t seem possible.
The longer it’s been, the farther away she feels. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I saw her, hugged her, and told her I love her. It feels like it was in another lifetime. And I can’t believe I won’t get to do any of those things ever again.
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my mom’s life and her death. I’ve been replaying different scenes from throughout her battle with Alzheimer’s in my mind. I’ve been trying to remember everything I said to her, everything I did for her. Was it enough? Did she know how much I love her? I hope so.
I’ve also realized that although I’m so sad my mom is no longer with us, I’m even more sad thinking about all she had to endure during those ten long years. Why did she have to go through that? Why her? What could she have possibly done to deserve it? Nothing, of course. No one deserves it.
I find myself wanting to go back to the early days of my grief when it was all still fresh. I don’t want to move on with my life like nothing happened. I don’t want to act like it’s okay that she died. I still want her death to matter. I still want her life to matter. I don’t want to forget a single thing. I don’t want anyone else to forget either.
But that’s the problem with time. You can’t freeze it. You can’t slow it down or speed it up. No matter how much you want to, you can’t go back to the past or jump forward to the future. You are forced to live in the now, whatever that looks like for you, however it feels.
I have learned that you can either sit still and let the time pass you by or you can be an active participant in your life. I used to default to the former, but since my mom died I have realized that time is not a guarantee. We always think we’ll have more of it later to do all the things we want to do, but there’s just no guarantee of that.
The past eight months have flown by. Hell, the past ten years were gone in the blink of an eye. No matter what you do or don’t do, the time will pass anyway. You may as well try to make the most of it.
So, I am going to do my best to be an active participant in my life from here on out. As I always say, not in spite of my grief, but because of it.
And frankly, because I’m just so damn tired of being sad and miserable all the time.
I’ve been sad and miserable for long enough.
It’s time to be happy again.
7 thoughts on “My Mom Died Eight Months Ago, But It Still Feels Like Yesterday”
I went through this with my parents. It’s been hard this last year and a half. Now my husband has it. In a Nursing Home and no visitors til COVID is gone. Have not seen him in months. Went yesterday again but he had meds and went to sleep before I got there. I’ve asked them to please wait til I get there for my window visit but they didn’t 😢
Hope he will recognize me WHEN I do get to see him. Such a difficult depressive holiday and year. Prayers for you and ALL others that I sad and hurting. Hope you all like myself NOT to be depressed without your loved one❤️🙏
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Sending lots of love and hugs.
Holidays are not the best of times for many people. You deserve happiness, and that is my wish for you.
My Dear Dad died two days ago. He was 91, in a nursing home and died a terrible death, I will never get over it,
and the shock of his passing has not completely kicked in as I have been busy with graveside arrangements.
He had Alzheimers for 18 years, but the last 7 were the worst.
It truly hurts that the last time I hugged him was in March.
Peace be with you.
I’m so very sorry for your loss and your pain. 18 years is such a long time to suffer from Alzheimer’s and the circumstances of his death only add more grief and trauma. I truly am so sorry. Sending lots of love and hugs!
I enjoyed reading about your situation and feelings. I am going through the same process 😪 as you.
Life has seemed to go by much faster then we would like and have a hard time saying goodbye.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Sending lots of love and strength!
Thank you for sharing.