I’m Allowing Myself to Feel Joy Again

(The post below was written on May 31, 2020. My mom passed on April 4, 2020.)

Yesterday marked 8 weeks since my mom passed.

I received the call from my dad at 7:01am that day and so, it has been my tradition to sit and stare at my phone at 7:01am every Saturday to honor the weekly anniversary of the moment my life changed forever.

For some reason, I woke up in a good mood yesterday around 6:30am. As the 7 o’clock hour was approaching, I began to question how I could possibly be in a good mood. I began to tell myself that I should be sad and reflective, as it was the eight-week anniversary of my mom’s passing.

But then I had another thought.

So what?

So what if I’m in a good mood? Shouldn’t I just be grateful for that instead of questioning it and trying to sabotage it for myself? Shouldn’t I just go with it instead of telling myself all the reasons I really shouldn’t be in a good mood at all?

And that’s exactly what I decided to do.

For the first Saturday since THAT Saturday, the clock struck 7:01am without me even noticing. The time came and went without me sitting and staring at my phone to honor the exact moment my life was forever changed.

And you know what?

It felt pretty damn good.

So I have decided that I will no longer force myself to sit and reflect on painful memories out of some self-imposed obligation to grieve enough or be sad enough or miss her enough.

Whatever I feel at any given moment of any given day is enough.

And as I move forward with this new-found freedom to just be, I will allow myself to remember more moments of joy and laughter, light and love. I will allow myself to remember my mom before she got sick. And I will allow myself to feel hopeful about the future for once.

I understand not every day will feel this way, as the grief is always there threatening to pull me back under, but I also understand that that’s ok.

It’s all ok.

So am I.

And so are you.

I’m allowing myself to feel joy again.

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